Dealing with Negative Emotions by Lori Deschene

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fugitive from my feelings.

Psychologists suggest that we are driven by two connected motivations: to feel pleasure and avoid pain. Most of us devote more energy to the latter than the former.

Instead of being proactive and making choices for our happiness, we react to things that happen in our lives, and fight or flee to minimize our pain.

Instead of deciding to end an unhealthy relationship and open up to a better one, we may stay and either avoid confrontation or initiate one to feel a sense of control. Instead of leaving a horrible job to find one we love, we may stay and complain about it all the time, trying to minimize the pain of accepting the situation as real—and enduring until we change it.

From a very young age, I felt overwhelmed by pain. As a pre-teen, I ate my feelings. As a teen, I starved them away. In college, I drank and smoked them numb. And in my twenties, I felt and cried my eyes red and raw.

I sobbed. I wailed. I shook and convulsed. And I wished I’d never chosen to feel them, but rather kept pushing them down, pretending everything was fine.

Except when I did that, they didn’t just go away—they compounded on top each other and built up until eventually I exploded, with no idea why I felt so bad.

One time when I was 17, I couldn’t open a jar of jelly. After ten minutes of twisting, banging, and fighting, I finally threw it at a wall and broke down.

You may think that was a sure sign I had emotional problems, and assume there was some pill to help anesthetize that sadness.

That’s what a lot of people thought. But the reality was a lot simpler: I simply never dealt with my feelings from events large and small, and eventually they dealt with me.

As unpleasant as it may sound, I needed to learn how to feel bad—but first I needed to understand why I felt bad so often. It’s a whole lot easier to deal with pain when it’s not the default feeling.

This, I’ve learned, comes down to three steps:

1. Developing emotional intelligence.
2. Learning to sit with negative feelings.
3. Creating situations for positive feelings.

Never Forget to Say Thanks

One thing I really have learned from living my life is this. Saying thanks is a big deal. Many people take this word for granted. They say it as an after thought. A few months back my lower back hurt all the time. there was not a day that I woke up that I was not in pain. Many times I could not even get out of my bed. One day I asked my sister to help me up and she reluctantly did. When I finally was able to stand on my own midst the sharp pains I whispered, "Thank you." She stop in her tracks, the perturbed look gone and she said wow, you are welcome. You must really be in a lot of pain. That thank you was so full of gratitude." That is when I realized. Those two little words mean the world when said in the spirit of gratitude.

We are all so busy trying to get to the end result that we push past people, step on toes, and crush other feelings all in the name of making our dreams happen. When someone helps us, gives a tip, a strategy, a hand up... we need to take a moment to say..."Thank You" not because you helped me make a dollar, or because you had to do it. But thank you because in the scheme of things, you really did not have to help me. I know many people will say thanks to me for my blogs... some will say thank you for a post I posted on my social media pages. I do not take their thank yous lightly.

Just think it only take a minute to say thank you but it can last for an eternity. You have know the frame of mind someone is in and your thanks can make a world of difference.

Be Empowered
Coach Linda Hillman
Copyright 2012 Destined 2 B U Empowerment Group

Negative vs Positive Actions

To ensure your motives are powerful and sustainable, make sure that they are in a positive form. Meaning you can focus on the negative and expect the opposite to happen. You must switch your mindset. Although negative motivations may fuel you for a little while, they quickly run out of steam, and people tend to respond poorly to them. You may really desire to get out of debt or change bad habits, or even start a healthy relationship, but those negative emotions will only drain your energy and hurt your effectiveness to make good decisions in the end. Stop focusing on what you don't want in your life and start to focus on what you DO!

Listen, Have you seen the movie Psycho. In this movie Norman Bates ultimate goal was NOT to kill the guest in his hotel, it was actually to please his mother. Now that is a positive intention right. We all want Mom's approval, however in wanting to please his mother, he thought it meant hurting others. ( Okay i admit a bit extreme, but really take heed to the comparisons). In trying to use negative emotions to get positive results we are just like Norman Bates, a mixed up and confused psychopath killing our dreams. Get it it?

With a little work, any negative action can be turned into a positive counterpart. You must think of ways to re-position your action in a positive light. Here are some examples you can try:

Instead of arguing; you could negotiate
Instead of insisting; you could compel
Instead of demanding; you could urge
Instead of tracking down; you could pursue
Instead of pushing; you could encourage


Be Empowered
Coach Linda Hillman
Copyright 2012 Destined 2 B U Empowerment Group