Dealing with Negative Emotions by Lori Deschene

“Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” ~Jean Kerr

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fugitive from my feelings.

Psychologists suggest that we are driven by two connected motivations: to feel pleasure and avoid pain. Most of us devote more energy to the latter than the former.

Instead of being proactive and making choices for our happiness, we react to things that happen in our lives, and fight or flee to minimize our pain.

Instead of deciding to end an unhealthy relationship and open up to a better one, we may stay and either avoid confrontation or initiate one to feel a sense of control. Instead of leaving a horrible job to find one we love, we may stay and complain about it all the time, trying to minimize the pain of accepting the situation as real—and enduring until we change it.

From a very young age, I felt overwhelmed by pain. As a pre-teen, I ate my feelings. As a teen, I starved them away. In college, I drank and smoked them numb. And in my twenties, I felt and cried my eyes red and raw.

I sobbed. I wailed. I shook and convulsed. And I wished I’d never chosen to feel them, but rather kept pushing them down, pretending everything was fine.

Except when I did that, they didn’t just go away—they compounded on top each other and built up until eventually I exploded, with no idea why I felt so bad.

One time when I was 17, I couldn’t open a jar of jelly. After ten minutes of twisting, banging, and fighting, I finally threw it at a wall and broke down.

You may think that was a sure sign I had emotional problems, and assume there was some pill to help anesthetize that sadness.

That’s what a lot of people thought. But the reality was a lot simpler: I simply never dealt with my feelings from events large and small, and eventually they dealt with me.

As unpleasant as it may sound, I needed to learn how to feel bad—but first I needed to understand why I felt bad so often. It’s a whole lot easier to deal with pain when it’s not the default feeling.

This, I’ve learned, comes down to three steps:

1. Developing emotional intelligence.
2. Learning to sit with negative feelings.
3. Creating situations for positive feelings.

They Want To Know Who You Are

With so many people in the mainstream social media world, how do you set yourself apart from the rest as the one people trust and buy from? It has long been said that people do not buy products from salespeople, they buy YOU…the salesperson. The same is true in relationships. People don't befriend the idea of bonding, they want to truly bond.

People usually start into Social Media in one of two ways:

1.   They have a product already but no social media skills to understand how to market in the new media

2.   They start with a blog, no product to sell and just start marketing themselves as a source hoping to one day to actually have a product

Which ever category you may have fallen into,  you’ll need to distinguish yourself…YOU and what you stand for…before you’ll see success in social networking. The key word is networking. It is being able to intertwine yourself with others and come together fort he greater good. Whether in business or just trying to make friends. Social networking requires an authentic touch.

Personal branding is now more important than ever in communities.  People are buying you. In Other words people are buying the idea of having a relationship with you.  If I don’t like you, I’m not going to buy from you, AND telling all my friends what I think of you. Hey depending on how annoyed I get with you I may block you too. BOOM! That’s the power of social networking.  We all talk, and word of mouth can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Always keep this in mind too, once it is posted on someone's Facebook page, twitter account, broadcast on YouTube and etc... it's forever.

Do you remember high school? How did the rumors spread so fast? How did groups of people that did not like each other share common knowledge? It was word of mouth. Someone who knew someone else, started talking and it just spread from there.

So whether you are marketing you for a business, event, or just getting out there. You have got to use the social skills you learned in kindergarten to make it happen. Yes, you have to play nice with the other kids. I am still learning this wonderful world of social media but I can say this that it's not rock science if you know how to be polite.

Be Empowered 
Coach Linda Hillman 
Copyright 2012 Destined 2 B U Empowerment Group

A Woman Healed of Life's Expereicnes

Dr. Susan Jeffers says, “Life is not a struggle but an opportunity”.  I know that there are some that read those words and said, “Yeah right, that is not true for me. I have suffered at the hands of those I love. My life has not presented any opportunities to me. It seems that when I think things could come together, they fall apart.” Well I understand your frustration and want to share a bit of my story with you.

I was raised in a verbally abusive home where I was sexually molested and witnessed domestic violence against my mother. I grew up to be angry and built a wall to protect me from everything. Relationship after relationship failed. One day I realized that the life I was living was just a shadow of what could be.  The pain that seemed to hold me prisoner was of my own doing. I was the one not willing to forgive.  I was the one not moving forward. It was like an epiphany, if I would just rise above my hurt I could see a better way of doing things. That day I made up my choice to surrender to God’s love and let the healing begin. I wanted to be free.  However, I knew that would take some restoration of my inner emotions. I would have to learn how to look at life differently, not using my own reasoning because it was skewed and fragile.

I sought help through counselors and coaches. I began to journal, revisiting that pain and allowing love to overcome me. The process was long but thorough.  I emerged a woman healed of life’s experiences. Healing comes in various forms, now as a Pastor and Transformation Empowerment Coach I help other women realize they too can live above hurt.

The first step can be the hardest however, if you are truly ready for healing to occur in your life then you will allow this step to take place, including removing all negative and unhealthy influences in your life. Many times, it is what we allow in our lives that hinder us the most. I had to deal with the past in order to maintain my present and secure my future.

Be Empowered
Coach Linda Hillman
Copyright 2012 Destined 2 B U Empowerment Group

Never Trust A Stranger!

Many people are more likely to believe what others say about you then they are to believe what you say about yourself. It's a human nature thing. In short, they expect you to provide clear proof of what you've demonstrated before trusting you and allowing a relationship to develop. Many times this can be frustrating, especially to the business owner, new person in the group, etc.

The answer is references. They are needed to "close the deal". I mean you see those commercial about buying a car, we are told to show me the Car-fax. If you ignore this need to be validated by those who have a relationship with you already you will miss out on potentially great relationships. Remember we are conditioned to what to see the "proof in the pudding."

Now this can work both ways, you will have those that sing your praises, they will always see the cup as half full. On the other hand, you will have those that will always see the cup as half empty. This is good for you. Learn from those who speak negative about an encounter with you. Ask yourself how you can make it better the next time it comes up. Learn from your past mistakes and keep it moving. However, you can also learn from those that speak well of you.

In achieving your goals, you must always be growing. Otherwise, your dreams will being to become old news. Keep in mind the Wizard from Oz. Those in Oz had never seen a hot air balloon when he arrived, they assumed he was some great being, but he lived in fear that someone would discover his truth. When the good witch came to speak with Dorothy and her friends, they were told the very things they deemed as negative were actually their strengths. Our dreams to do not require us to change, it requires us to learn and grow. Dig deep inside of us and allow are truth to be known.

Never trust a stranger to tell your story. You tell your truth from a place of inward reflection. those that are lucky enough to be in relationship with you, will see that you have what it takes to go all the way. Don't worry they will spread the news.

Be Empowered
Coach Linda Hillman
Copyright 2012 Destined 2 B U Empowerment Group