How To Feast On Healthy And Delicious Relationships—And Protect Yourself From Poisonous People By Martha Beck

The Company You Keep

As soon as you could bring your baby hands to your mouth, you instinctively began tasting everything you could reach, learning which substances tasted poisonous, which were tasty. You were born also with a set of analogous social instincts. As a child, you clearly felt people's affect on you. Some made you feel happy and safe; others scared or repelled you.

Unfortunately, you were soon taught to override your instincts. "Give me a kiss!" adults may have insisted. "Share your toys with little Chris! Be nice!" Bit by bit, you learned not to pull away from poisonous people. Now you may voluntarily interact with people who leave you feeling wounded, betrayed, or confused. You need to re-learn your instincts for keeping toxic people at bay and attracting nourishing relationships. You'll need two skills: Screening and boundary-setting.

1. Screening People

This is the mental equivalent of a baby's taste-testing. Whenever you sense someone is lying, hostile, or unsafe, you feel a set of subtle psychological signals that can best be described with one simple word: "Ick!" Safe, supportive people create an inner "Yum!" Their company makes you feel healthier and stronger.

To use your screening instincts, ask yourself, "How do I feel after being with this individual?" (Don't ask how you feel when you're with the person—social triggers override instincts while you're in someone's presence.) The "aftertaste" is your best screening mechanism. Use it to help set boundaries appropriate to your instinctive perceptions.

2. Setting Boundaries

Picture yourself at the center of infinite concentric circles. Someone in the ring next to you can touch you any time. People several circles out can talk to you, but not touch you. Those who are, say, 50 circles from the center have to shout for you to hear them.

Now think of someone you know. Call this person X. Imagine X standing in the circle next to you. If you feel an "Ick!" and want to physically pull back, X is too close. Move X back a circle—or two, or three, or 20—until the "Ick!" subsides. If you feel yourself wanting to lean forward toward X, you've gone too far. 

3. Find the distance that feels balanced.

This distance is a rough indication of how much you instinctively trust each person. Keep it in mind when deciding how much time and information you spend with them. If you must spend time with a person you mistrust or dislike, be polite but private. Don't leave your center circle by offering to do things for them or by attacking them. Simply don't engage.

4. The Nourishing Life

Screening and boundary setting may not seem "nice" to your social mind, but they're the best steps you can take to surround yourself with people who nourish you while relegating toxic people to a distance where they can't poison you. They'll make your social life healthy and delicious. You knew that when you were born. Reclaim your true nature and know it again.

Life coach Martha Beck is a columnist for O, The Oprah Magazine and best-selling author of Finding Your Own North Star and Expecting Adam. Her latest book is Steering by Starlight.